The Revenge Of The Face Pincher
by HackeySackVibe
Summary: A demented KITH fan fic with appearances by various celebs! (Finally, I'm done! YAY!)


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Once upon a time, in the land of Canada, David Spade was benching 350 in the gym with Eddie Furlong when all of a sudden Christopher Walken barges in and yelled, "Holy crap! Guess what I just heard?! Hell has just frozen over! Isn't that weird!?!"   
  
"I think you're the weird one, Chris," said Eddie.   
  
"I'm not weird. Everyone just thinks I'm weird because their brains smell like bacon." After saying this, Chris step-danced out of the gym to spread the news to everyone else. Then Eddie got up to leave.   
  
"Dude, where are ya going? We have to go do a commercial for 'Gatorade,'" said David.   
  
"I can't, man. I gotta go be the leader in the "I'm Not A Druggie" parade, and then the "I Don't Have A Homo Lisp" parade. See ya." Eddie said as her walked out the door.   
  
'Well,' David thought, 'Might as well go to the commercial shoot early and go find a super skank to date that weighs more than I do.'   
  
When David go to the shoot, he was very confused when he saw Tom Green and body builders lifting their armpits.   
  
"Dude, why is this guy holding deodorant and licking the guy's armpits? This is craziness. I thought I was going to do a 'Gatorade' commercial!!" David yelled at the director.   
  
"Oh, didn't you hear? The director for 'Gatorade' got his face pinched. What a way to go, huh?" said the director.   
  
"Face pinched? That's really weird. When did it happen?"   
  
"Just about 10 minutes ago." After telling this to David, David looked over at Tom Green in confusion. "What's the deal with this guy?" asked David.   
  
"We're doing an 'Extreme X' deodorant commercial." David looked over at Tom as he nailed one of the body builder's feet to the ground with his nail gun. Then the body builder ran around in a circle screaming at the top of his lungs.   
  
"Even under the most extreme pressure, 'Extreme X' cuts down the sweating!" yelled Tom, "Go, go! Go run your circle!" Tom kept ranting on and on until the director yelled at him.   
  
"Hey, Tom, we're not filming yet!"   
  
"Oh really? Wow, that stinks," Tom said sincerely, "I think we're going to need a new body builer because I think I hit a vital organ with my nail gun-OH SH!TE!" Tom yelled in a Scottish accent as he hit his foot with his nail gun.   
  
"I guess the truth comes out," said the director, "Tom is Scottish!! I knew it!!"   
  
"Help me, anybaudy! I'm bleeding very baud! Hey, David, please please help me!" wailed Tom.   
"And you aaarrrreee?" asked David.   
  
"Aure you kidding?!?! I'm Taum Green! I'm one of the biggest MTV icauns out there!" screamed Tom.   
  
"Hmmm. Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. Gotta go. Buh-bye!" said David. But before he could walk away, Tom's face was pinched and Tom collapsed to the ground.   
  
"Oh my God, not again!" screamed the director  
  
"Ooookay then. I'm outta here," said David.   
  
When David was walking down the street, everyone was screaming bloody murder saying, "Their faces are pinched, their faces are pinched!" Then someone ran up to David and said, "Eddie Furlong got his face pinched!!"   
  
"NOOOOO!!!" screamed David, "Not Eddie!! Nooooo!"   
  
'How could've this happened?,' David thought, 'Why is everyone gettting their faces pinched?' David thought this over and over and decided to go to the wise man of the town, Mr. Tisic, or as others know him as 'The Headcrusher'. David was one of the flatheads who knew how to get to the wise man's headquarters intentionally. All he had to do was follow the signs that said "Hot Babes" on it. Of course, the first time he went to the wise man's headquarters, he thought he was actually looking for hot babes. But David was one of the Wise Man's favorite flatheads.   
  
When David got to the Wise Man's fort in the alley, he gave the secret knock.   
  
"What's the password?" asked a voice from inside.   
  
"Ummm...I want chicken, I want liver, meow mix, meow mix, please deliver?"   
  
"Would that be the red kind, or the brown?"   
  
"Crap! I always forget that one!" said David, "Umm, the red?" The Wise Man opened the door. "What is it, my sad flathead?" he asked, "I have lots of headcrushing to do."   
  
"Mr. Tisic, everyone knows that you're very wise--"   
David was interrupted. "Maybe you're the wise one." said Mr. Tisic.   
  
"What?" David asked.   
  
"Maybe you're the wise one and I'm everybody." said Mr. Tisic.   
  
"That doesn't even make sense," David said in confusion.   
  
"Maybe you're not making sense," said Mr. Tisic.   
  
"I don't understand--"   
  
"Maybe you can oversit," said Mr. Tisic.   
  
"Okay, that's just stupid. Listen, I don't have time for your philosophical crap right now. There's something seriously wrong with this town. Everyone seems to be getting their faces pinched--"   
  
"Face pinched!?! No, not again!" wailed Mr. Tisic.   
  
"Eddie even got his face pinched!" said David.   
  
"No, not Eddie! He was my most favorite flat head!" said Mr. Tisic.   
  
"What do you mean by 'most favorite?'" asked David.   
  
"Nevermind that. I can't believe this is happening again!" screamed Mr. Tisic.   
  
"So you know of this face pincher?" asked David.   
  
"I battled against him about 8 years ago, when you were still on Saturday Night Live and I was being followed by those Goddamn Kids in the Hall!" said Mr. Tisic, "After I crushed his head, he was never heard of again."   
  
"But now, he's back," said David, "What does he want?"   
  
"I don't know. When did the face pinching begin?" asked Mr. Tisic.   
  
"About 45 minutes ago." said David.   
  
"Where were you 45 minutes ago? What happened?" asked Mr. Tisic.   
  
"Well, I was lifting weights with Eddie Furlong when Chris Walken comes in and starts raving about how Hell has frozen over and saying how weird it was," Explained David, "Then Eddie said that Chris was the weird one and--"   
  
"Okay, I don't need every single detail. When was the first face pinching?" asked Mr. Tisic.   
  
"Oh, let's see. I left the gym a few minutes after Eddie did, I got to the commercial shoot in about 10 minutes, so about half hour ago. The first was the director of the 'Gatorade' commercial." said David.   
  
"Well, we better got see to this face pinching. Come on, David. To the Batmobile!" said Mr. Tisic.   
  
"Whhaaat? What Batmobile? What are you talking about?" asked David.   
  
"Oh, sorry. I've just always wanted to say that. Quick, David. To the Car!!"   
  
David and Mr. Tisic got into the car and drove to the center of the town. After investigating for about 5 minutes, Mr. Tisic heard a familiar voice.   
  
"So, Mr. Tisic, long time, no see?" It was The Face Pincher.   
  
"You again? I thought you were living in a smelly, rat-infested, sweat hole with no fresh water with just the cows to keep you company," said Mr. Tisic.   
  
"Yes, Iowa was very nice, but I have come to seek revenge!" replied the face pincher. "Mr. Tisic," he said as he took off his gloves, "Meet your destiny!"   
  
"If this is the way you want it, you got it!" Mr. Tisic said as her took off his gloves. Mr. Tisic and The Face Pincher got their fingers in position.   
  
"I will pinch your face!"   
  
"Not if I crush your head first!" The face pincher went from left to right to left again. The headcrusher was locked in a struggle. The struggle went for a good 5 minutes. Just when the headcrusher thought he would've been beaten, there came a voice.   
  
"Snootch to the mother-f^ckin dude!" All of a sudden, two dark figures came and started kicking the crap out of The Face Pincher. The Face Pincher, in fear, fell to the ground and covered his head with his hands.   
  
"Do not hurt me, please, don't hurt me!"   
  
"Jay and Silent Bob? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were casting Ben Affleck in another one of your movies," said Mr. Tisic.   
  
"Yeah, well when I heard what was going down in *my* town, me and my hetero life-mate, Silent Bob, decided to check it out." Responded Jay.   
  
"But, dude...you live in L.A. not Canada," popped in David Spade.   
  
"Dude, are you glad we kicked the sh!t out of Face Pncher, or what?!" yelled Jay.   
  
"Yes," said Mr. Tisic and David.   
  
"And now, it is time that I be...Crushing Your Head!!" Mr. Tisic said as he gladly crushed the Face Pincher. "Haha! I've crushed you, you Flathead!"   
  
"Now let's just see who you really are, Face Pincher," David said. David pulled off Face Pincher's mask.   
  


"Well I'm sure I'm sorry!" yelled David.   
  
"Ca-ching!" said Silent Bob.   
  
"What?" asked Chris.   
  
"Oh, Silent Bob just said that you make a hell of a lot more money than David does anyway." Translated Jay.   
  
"Oh yeah. I guess I do. Hahahahaha!" Chris laughed as he pointed at David. "I laugh at your problem, HA!"   
  
"Just promise me we'll never fight again!" cried David as he ran over to Chris and they hugged each other.   
  
"Well, I guess that's solved. Let's go get a McMooby meal. On me!" said Mr. Tisic.   
  
  
  
End. 

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